ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Randomize
