i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
