I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
