The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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