Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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