Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i think i have herpe
just one?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
