i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
