Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
