we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
we should paint friendship bongs
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