We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
