got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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