I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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