i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
