I am full of burrito and curiosity
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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