totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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