Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
