I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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