i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
