I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
