The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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