apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
