i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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