you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
