I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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