Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
