as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
