I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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