This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
