matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
