I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
soo... how was my night?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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