I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
