Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
