If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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