This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
No subtext here. People are naked.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
