Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
