dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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