Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I think I sprained my soul last night
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
