just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
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