remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
the condom got lost in my hair
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
