You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
