where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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