You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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