maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
