no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
