Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
