can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Oh god it's open bar.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
