she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
