im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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