He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
