hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
