Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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