why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
