I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
kristin has been a bad kristin
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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