Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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