so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I believe in your delicious
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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