i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
