fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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